Understanding why communication breakdowns happen when both people care — just differently
You explain. They don’t get it.
They explain. You don’t get it.
You both walk away thinking, How did that go so wrong when we were trying so hard?
This is the heart of what researchers call the ‘double empathy problem’ — the idea that miscommunication between neurodivergent and neurotypical people isn’t just a failure on one side. It’s mutual. And it’s often rooted in fundamentally different ways of seeing, processing, and responding to the world.
It’s not that one of you is being difficult. You’re just speaking different emotional dialects.
“I’m a straight-talking autistic woman. My partner is neurotypical and reads into everything I say. We’ve had full-blown arguments over what I thought was a neutral comment,” shared one woman.
“I wasn’t being cold. He wasn’t being sensitive. We just weren’t hearing each other properly.”
When expression styles collide
Here are some common mismatches:
- Neurodivergent partner says less, shows less — is assumed to be distant
- Neurotypical partner needs verbal or physical reassurance — is seen as needy or intense
- Neurodivergent partner info-dumps to connect — Neurotypical partner thinks it’s over-talking
- Neurotypical partner asks “How was your day?” — Neurodivergent partner freezes, overwhelmed by vagueness
The emotional intent is there… it’s just getting lost in translation.
One person put it simply: “She wants connection through conversation. I want connection through quiet presence. We both feel rejected by the other’s style.”
So what helps?
- Assume good intentions
When in doubt, believe that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you. That pause before answering? It might be processing time — not disinterest.
- Be specific
Vague language like “act normal” or “be more present” means very little to a neurodivergent brain. Try:
“Can we sit together for ten minutes with no phones?”
“It would help me if you told me you’re okay with a thumbs up when you’re quiet.”
- Check for ‘emotional dialects’
Ask each other:
- What does reassurance look like to you?
- When do you feel loved by me?
- What do I do that feels supportive… even if I don’t say much?
- Accept that empathy isn’t one-way
Neurotypical people sometimes assume they’re the more empathetic partner. But neurodivergent people often feel deeply — they just show it differently. They may take longer to process, or express care through action, not words.
The truth is: both partners are interpreting from their own frame of reference. And both are equally likely to misread the other.
Empathy isn’t about similarity — it’s about effort
It’s okay if you don’t always get it right. What matters is the willingness to keep learning each other’s language — even when it feels clumsy.
In healthy neurodivergent relationships, connection isn’t about flawless communication. It’s about learning the other person’s code… and letting them learn yours.
